Walking the talk can be so hard at times..

We've had this conversation over and over again. I think it must be around two thousand times that we spoke about it, and we have always been on the same page. The mother should raise the child. Period. How do you bring a child into the world only to leave him behind, with a standard 3 dropout? That is not only unfair , it is cruel. That much we agreed on, 2years ago

So now the rubber meets the road (cliche, I know). Baby's here. He needs me more than ever and I am called to raise up the next generation. I am scared to the core, scared of losing my identity, scared of saying 'Hi, my name is....and I'm a Stay at Home Mom', scared of disappointing my family who declare so proudly that 'Our daughter has a (well paying) job'.

And so I wear that power suit, paint my face, pull myself together and leave my barely 4month old behind, to appease my ego and those of others, I die to Self to serve Self. Such a bizarre way to be. I live for today's comforts and manage to convince him and myself that that's whats best for baby.

But what about the values, the conversations, the promise I made to God that I will one day be accountable to? Only time will tell.
For now, I am here, and my baby is being raised by a 20 year old. Cause that's what's best for him?

Bringing forth into the world..

It's funny how in Kenya and Africa in general, issues that surround being a new mother and the difficulties it comes are hardly ever talked about. The main focus is often the excitement of the new baby, the addition in the family, grandchild, niece, nephew, brother, sister. And it is exciting, a new person has now joined us. But two new people have also been made. Father and Mother.
Rarely do you hear about this very scary transition into parenthood.
Birth, like death, is deeply impacting. And the difference between these two events is that, while in death the community circumvents the entire family, in birth only the baby is surrounded and taken in.
The parents of the new born are left to deal with feelings of excitement and intense fear. Happiness and being overwhelmed.
Issues such as Post partum depression or 'the Baby Blues', which are a reality for most women, owing to the traumatic nature of childbirth, are not discussed. This leaves a mother reeling in the after effects of childbirth alone.
I once read somewhere that in order to embrace motherhood, one has to mourn the lose of her girlhood. And I did. I faced the fact that there were things I would no longer be able to do because I was now a mother. It was bitter sweet. I was happy to join this new club but it pushed to a very new and strange place. This was a role I had never played before and noone, not my mother, nor my husband could help me. Teach me to be a mother.
In this new place, only God lived. It was just the three of us. God, my son and myself.

Motherhood has brought me to the realization of so many things. Some I cannot even begin to express as they are far too intense and amazing to be told. Being a parent brings you right to the feet of God. Because as soon as you become a mother or a father, you realize that you are all alone and only God can help you parent.

The truth about art and beauty, Edith Schaeffer style

The desire to surround myself with meaningful and beautiful things was first roused in me after reading Edith Schaeffer's book 'Hidden Art'. I was in campus and I started by making my bed and picking flowers around the compound to put in my room. It seemed a small and time wasting activity but it gave me such pleasure to come to a neat and pretty space. It made me feel connected to the earth and to God, who I believe, is a lover of beauty Himself. I still place flowers in my living room and am constantly looking for ways to add to the beauty around me. I think I honour God and in one way live out my purpose. Here's a quote from Edith about creating art and beauty around you.

'It is true that all men are created in the image of God, but christians are supposed to be conscious of it and should recognize the importance of living artistically, aesthetically and creatively, as creative creatures of the creator. If we have been created in the image of an Artist, then we should look for expressions of artistry and be sensitive to beauty, responsive to what has been created for our appreciation.'

Edith Schaeffer (The hidden art of homemaking)

Ten things I'm totally loving right now

I wouldn't really classify myself a list maker but once in a while I do indulge in the practice. Today is one of those days. I am loving:-

* My house and filling it up with stuff!! Its so much fun to fill mine and Dennis's abode with love and things and cozy it up. Totally enjoying it.

*counting down the days till I meet my little 'Temo. I really cannot wait to kiss him and tell him how much I love him!!

*a clean kitchen. Its just nicer to cook in.

*seeing Dennis after a long day. Gosh such a good feeling.

* the rocks that Claire brought for me from the Red Sea. Loving them! I also loove the scarf (thanks Claire, you're awesome!)

*The stuff I got for little 'Temo when I went baby shopping. so adorable, I could cry :-) ;-)

*having guys over at my house! (MY house!! unbelievable! we grow up so fast)

*my non stick pan. It makes cooking so much fun

*For colored girls. The movie.

*the islamic call for prayer, I'm hearing outside my window right now. I actually enjoy listening to it.

Losing myself..

The other night I was up at 3 AM, bonding with my son. That's what I do when the insomnia kicks in. I talk to him & I relish in being the only one who he knows yet. I thought about married life. Do I really want it. I mean, ofcourse I do, but I also want to hang on to being my parents' daughter. Memories came flooding in, time really does fly. Just the other day I was 7 years old, sitting on my dad's lap. Now I'm 7 months pregnant with my first son! How did that happen? Actually when is the question. Anyway, I sat there and wept at losing my childhood. here is a short list of some of the things I will miss about living under my parents' home.

*Coming home to mum after a long day of school and later work.
*Watching mum wear her make up (To me, you are and will always be the most beautiful woman on earth mum)
*When dad came from his trips and brought us (read, me :-) goodies. (That was fun!)
*The cosiness and comfort of home. The smell of chapos, 4 O'clock tea, good food
*Gossiping with mum.

Being pregnant and such like things...

This will be the first forum in which I announce to the world what many have already been speculating about. And to borrow Ellen Degeneres's catchy coming out title, Yep, I'm Preggers! I'm exactly 4 months pregnant and the experience has just been amazing. In fact it's been so life changing that I wouldn't be doing anyone any justice by trying to explain what it feels like. But I will attempt to share some of my insights. Hmmm, where do I start? Well, right now I'm experiencing what experts call 'quickening' which is basically the initial baby movements and as you can guess it is beyond exciting.

To know that this baby is alive & kicking & responding to me is just overwhelming. Nothing could be more real and intense than carrying the baby of the man you love. It is the deepest, most beautiful part of our love & seeing Dennis transition into the role of a father is simply divine. I'm glad to be experiencing this with you babe.

Funny thing about being pregnant though is the pregnancy books. I don't know who writes them but that's definetely a post for another day.

Meanwhile keep happy & pray for my little one. I love him/her to bits already & am looking forward to sharing more on this exciting journey of mine.

watching a man die

Yesterday I watched a man dying. It was at around 8 PM and I was leaving town for home after a date with Cugu. I was in a mat when we came to this huge crowd of people. We didn't know what was going on. We got word that a thief had been killed. Had he been lynched, shot, what? I asked.
Before I could make out the confusion. I saw the convulsing body of a man on the ground. He was lying face up. He looked around 25/26 and had three gunshot wounds on his head. It was a shocking sight. It was terribly tragic too.

A young man would lose his life. He had barely gotten a chance to live out his full potential. It was sad and I couldn't help but think of all the little choices that had led him to that moment.

Lying on the ground, surrounded by people who were clearly relieved(excited even) to have him out of this world.
I thought about his childhood, what made him so hardened that he chose a life of crime rather than be a normal young man, striving for society's acceptance and approval. I wondered. I thought about his family who had now lost a son, a brother, a husband, a father..it broke my heart.

He must have died a few minutes after our mat had passed. But it made me think of the choices we make. The brevity of life. The finality of death.

I pray that I live my life forever conscious of these three things.